I have never felt so lonely as I feel right now. In transition, completely out of place, and facing many unknowns. Right now, I am trying to stay focused upon my relationship with Jesus. He is my husband, my protector, my confidant, my friend. He is the one who comforts me as I face so many questions about my present and my future.
The older I get, the more I desire to be comforted. Not just by a "lover", but by friends, position, financially....Ironically, I am spiritually comforted more than I ever have been in my life. I look forward to eternal life after death with Jesus Christ - my Saviour and my King. Saying that though, I do not sense that my purpose here on earth in this lifetime has yet been fulfilled.
I take on a positive attitude and attempt to function moment to moment, laying aside my concerns and yet, deep within, there is an invasive sadness that is as heavy and thick as my name might suggest. Living shrouded by "mystery" is wearing thin. The desire to know and be known stirs. Though, I suppose, that "mystery" is an integral part of what makes me me. It is what I know and I function from it.
I wonder about Jesus and how he, though infinitely more loved and infinitely more hated, coped. Right now, I imagine all the "Good Bible-reading Christians" are thinking the seemingly obvious - Jesus retreated into prayer and all his concerns were soothed by his supernatural connection with God the Father.
Ha! ...Yes and no.
We know Jesus would have sought and received comfort in this fashion just as any of us would, but he would also have grappled with loneliness and uncertainty as we do; otherwise, how could he understand what we go through?...what I am going through??
The lonely outcast portion of Jesus' time on earth does give me comfort. Not because he suffered, but because he suffered thus he understands. He knows what every person on earth who is steeped in alienation, loneliness, and uncertainty feels like and he knows how to provide comfort to us in this season of our lives...And he also guides us through and out of this season into a richer existence (if none other than knowing him more intimately, which is the greatest of rewards).
So, I hold on to my hope in Him. I do not deny the feelings and concerns that ebb and flow within me each day, but I do not allow them to drown me. Living moment to moment, I look for Him and commune with Him - holding nothing back knowing God will provide.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. ~Matt. 7: 7-8