Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Babbling Confession

For many days now, I have been assessing where my heart lies and what I want the next year to hold. It has not been an easy assessmnt and I am still in the process of refining, making sure that I am at the core of where the truth of my heart lies. 

This may sound a little odd, but I have not been trained to respond to what I truly desire, but rather, with an imminent list of pros and cons, I'd make decisions which would compromise my heart.  And oftentimes, seeking out any Godly counsel or wisdom of friends was commonly (and foolishly) overruled by the pride I had allowed to dictate my soul. This has resulted in many decisions that I have regretted. It is a process and a habit I want no part of any longer! Sadly, I have been saying this for a while, and yet, I still fall into the same habit of decision making...and, by my standards, I am way too old to continue to allow this ungodly behaviour. 
I mention age because it is becoming apparent to me that as I come to kiss my forty's, the legacy I leave behind thus far, is...well...let me just say, it could be so much better.
So, where does that leave me?
The Bible has much to say on the heart, wisdom, what our focus should be on...And perhaps my ambition to leave a better legacy is prideful of me...though determining that is part of the process of soul-searching...
What is my heart's desire? Why do I want what I want?

Make in me a clean heart, Lord Jesus, and renew a right spirit within me...This is the psalmist's cry and mine also.

To break free of the chains that hold me back from being all that I can be  God intends me to be!  Isn't that the challenge? Putting aside ourselves and letting God lead, but doing so without getting caught up in a Martyr complex  - which is pretty much like twisting God's purpose and taking the lead from God once again. I am being very transparent when I say that I have informally "suffered" from the "Martyr complex"...that's expected of women anyhow, right? Everyone else comes first and good little (christian) women suck-it-up and die to their selves.  Unfortunately, the dying-to-self-thing is misappropriated, thus the martyr complex. But I digress.

Let's see...Legacy...Heart's desires...
Truly: My greatest desire? To honour God. How does one do that? Moment to moment live for Him. That is a challenge in and of itself! Aligning my heart to God's heart for me in all of this is where I need and want to be, but I am finding it difficult because this season, it will be taking me way out of my comfort zone. WAY out! But that's a good thing, right?

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