Monday, February 2, 2009

Show Me How

"If you find yourself in great distress, know that God will bring your deep shadows into the light. The key to your deliverance is becoming satisfied in God. He becomes your all. He is your life. You will know your deliverance is near when your circumstances simply don't matter to you anymore." ~Os Hillman

Last night was an extremely moving night for me. I was at the hospital completing a night shift. I went into the night feeling restless deep within, even as I walked to the hospital, I would gaze at the stars with a restlessness in my soul. This night, their presence was more like an audience than the main event.
Abba, help me to be a blessing to the staff and patients this night....
Did I invite Him to join me on this shift? I forget. I am forgetting a lot lately.
I am not particularly fond of night shifts. I feel less "on my game" than during the day. I like my sleep, I need it. However, night shifts are a reality of nursing.
The night started as usual despite my "detachment" of heart. It wasn't until we were discussing the fate of a patient, who this night would most likely pass on, did the restlessness deep within begin to intensify.
Are you serious? That patient is my cousin! Father, how many shifts have I been here and I did not know it was my cousin?!
I reminisced about how a couple of weeks ago, after listening about the plight of the patient, I commented to my preceptor that I wished I could go in to that patient's room and discuss spiritual matters, but I couldn't because (at that time) I did not know the patient as anyone other than the person that "nurse so-and-so" has.
Abba, why didn't I have the open door to talk to my cousin...did I miss the door? Should I have just gone despite hospital policy? Do I just rush into any room that I sense a spiritual need and put aside all protocol, all the "rules" of being a nurse, let alone a student nurse and engage in what I know in my heart at what I am best at...What I am best at???

Oh Abba, all last night I have been wrestling with my purpose. What is the point of all this nursing knowledge without a true heart for nursing? Where can I truly live out my heart's desires? What does living from the heart look like? How do I live from my heart? When? Where? How? Why am I here? Why?!

I am a listener. I am best at listening. People open up to me about their deepest darkest secrets within a matter of minutes of meeting for the first time. Very little surprises me. I have heard everything from fear of failure, attempted murder, male prostitution, occult practices to desires for reconciliation with age-old falling outs and dreams lost. I haven't heard it all, just enough to know that people hurt even when they look like they don't and everybody wants to be heard.

Abba, I can listen, but what then? And then who listens to me? ...You. I know You do...but...
This is where my heart speaks shamefully clear. I do not truly believe that God is enough.

Forgive me Father. I want to live my all for You - You, being the only one who matters in the the present...Dear God, please help me to live for You! Show me how to give You my all...I do not know how...I would like to think I do, but I don't. Please show me...please. I know nothing else - no one else, will ever satisfy me. I need You and I long to give my all to me how. I want You to be enough. Enough for me, in everything, every situation, in everything. I want to desire nothing and no one else...just You.


Renae said...

Oh, what a ministry you have. Just your gentleness, just knowing that you care . . . trust me. You make a difference in the lives of your patients and their families.

I've spent enough time in hospitals lately to know.

Laura said...

I also believe you have a calling for listening. Not everyone knows how to listen. Thanks for the times you have listened to me. How is your cousin doing? Did he pass away or did you get a chance to talk with him?

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