Monday, March 31, 2008

Too thoughtful???!!!

Okay...A dear friend of mine read my blog as told me it was good...very thoughful, which was nice....but she also thought I might be a little depressed...Let me clarify, my friend...I am not depressed....incredibly thoughtful, pensive, deep, I was even aiming for profound maybe...?! Not bummed out....and just to show that I still do have a lighter side, I have incorporated a joke into my blog...


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...' He said with a deep sigh, 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Groan...For those of you who have never seen me...I am blonde...a natural blonde....and I prefer to do the Shreddies puzzle.....

(This is why I don't do much humour....lol...at least I can laugh at myself)

In a Bubble

With this blog, I am opening up a side of me that allows strangers and friends to make judgements about me...Why would I do this??? Good question. I want to express myself - like I have mentioned, I am looking for something, and I want to be released. Picture a person naked, in a bubble...a translucent bubble, that when the person within moves and stretches to break free remains contained because the bubble can stretch...can you picture it? That's how I feel...

When I write the words in my mind and from my heart, I can look back with a new perspective...hence "express and perspective"...I do journal; however, no one can read my journal, it is private. In this forum, I can be read, I can be heard....that's what we all long for, is it not? To be heard???

I have had the privilege to work in counselling situations with both the young and the old (most of the situations were more listening, less counselling)...one thing I have learned is that everybody wants to be heard! Most of the time, I did not have an answer for them and that was okay. They needed to speak their heart and have someone listen...that's what I did...I like to listen.

I had an experience with one man who had recently come out of the penal system after spending the majority of his life behind bars for attempted murder...He kept to himself and rarely spoke. One day, I greeted him, as I do with everyone, and he grunted back at me. Out of politeness, I asked him how he was doing, and the conversation begun...for the next 30 minutes, this man would reveal his heart to me...then he would pull back, and then he would stretch out again and share his journey with me...his childhood, his father, his feelings about humanity, his inability to cope, his future plans...He would stretch and pull back many times before the conversation finished.

I could give him nothing more than my ear and as much understanding and empathy as possible. I was genuinely interested in this man. His story, this experience, left a huge impact on how I look at others. And how I listen to others. Everyone has a story, everyone wants to be heard...someone wrote a song about that, I cannot recall her name at the moment, but it is very true.

What is also important is what is not spoken in a conversation, I listen for that too. There are many times when I have been a part of a conversation or I have listened to a conversation where one person is quiet, or where there seem to be gaps in the flow of the story being told...These are important. The person is revealling something about themself, about their belief system, by their silence. The man that told me part of his story never once mentioned hope in any way, shape, or form, except to say that he wanted to return to jail (this would be a form of hope for him) because he couldn't cope in society. And though he didn't mention hope in that conversation, he showed hope to me. Not by what he said, but by speaking. I believe he hoped to be heard and that is why he spoke.

It takes courage to speak. Whether you converse, or write, or paint, or express your heart and your mind in whatever form, it takes courage. Hoping someone will hear you...not judge you and dismiss you as worthless. We all have worth. We all have potential.

Do you hear me?

Saturday, March 29, 2008

How Bad Do You Want It?

How bad do you want it? That question ran through my head as I pushed myself another 5km (partly up hill), after riding a hard 20km already...how bad did I want to get to my goal? When I work out, I remind myself...how bad do I want optimum health? When I was watching my daughter and her team play basketball this morning, I noticed the determination on their faces...it provoked me to remember this question that has motivated me time and time again.

People have described me as determined...I don't easily give up, I like a challenge, I like to win, but I know there are times when I am defeated...I don't particularly like it, but I am not afraid to admit I am done or outdone for that matter.

There is something in my life I am striving for right now...the problem with it is I can't name it. It is not a person, it is not a thing, it is purpose....I need purpose. Some would say that I am a Mom, so that is my purpose or I am a nursing student, so nursing is my purpose...That is still not it though...not that I shirk away from these responsibilities... There is something else calling me...

I have been looking, putting my toe in the water of many ponds, lakes, oceans...puddles...I am still confounded and some of these entities that I thought were "safe" were not. They were damaging, theives, liars, and/or misguided themselves...like I need that!! I have learned from them though, things that I should not or would not do to others...It has been a tough learning curve, but it was an opportunity to learn. I have some regrets, but I perservere.

How bad do I want it? Pretty bad...what am I without purpose? "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."Jer. 29:11..."I work all things together for good, for those who love Me and are called according to My Purpose."Rom. 8:28...perservere...I am determined...Is it staring me in the face and I am not seeing it?? Lord, open my eyes and ears...Let me see with Your Eyes, hear with Your Ears, and respond with Your Heart!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Words I Like...

I started to write where I am at emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically, but I have decided to write words I like...for what they represent or what image is brought to my mind when I see or hear the word...
tear
ocean
flower
roar
believe
asparagus
water
lion
glorious
butterfly
green
beautiful
explore
tantalizing
sincere
bike
solitude
silence
coffee
moose
dirt
fragrance
apple
embrace
gentle
express
eyes
mango
wintergreen
eucalyptus
cinnamon
laughter
song
prayer
freedom
breathe
Yeshua
regal warrior
bird
stillness
excite
trust
orchid
cobalt blue
texture
Poppa
together
heart....
For now these words speak to my soul and I will bask in them.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Amazing, simply amazing...


Amazing, simply amazing....this world is plugged with approximately 6.5 billion humans and a person can feel all alone! You know, the Bible talks about not being the only person who suffers...

8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1Peter5:8-10NIV

I am not sure I want to break these verses apart tonight, but I do want to do a little exploring...'Resist him', resist the enemy...he 'prowls around like roaring lion...the same kind of sufferings'. I take these verses to include more than the persecutions that our brave brothers and sisters face around the world for their faith. I interpret this verse to include those trials that we face everyday. The enemy of our soul tries very hard to convince us that we are______(stupid, worthless, ugly, useless, smarter than others, invincible....the list could go on, you fill in the blank) and then when we get this idea in our head, we think we are the only one on the face of the planet going through hell and no one could possibly understand us or our situation!

The enemy tries to isolate us, physically, mentally, and emotionally....have you ever been there??? It is horrid!!!I have been there a lot lately.

The enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour....that's quite a trick. He is not a lion, he prowls like one and we are called to resist him. So, the reality is he is only dangerous if we let him intimidate us. 'Standing firm in the faith.' What is our faith? We believe that Jesus is Lord over all...that we are His children and He loves us, cares for us, provides for us, protects us, all based upon what the Bible tells us....So, when I am feeling all alone, isolated, I know that there are others who are suffering the same doubts and insecurities as I do. Though this does not make me feel better (and I certainly wouldn't want others to go through the frustrations I am suffering), it does make me realize that when I look at others and think they have it all together, they most likely don't. Or even if they have it together in areas I don't have it together, they fall short in another area that I have no problem with.

I guess what I am saying is, it is all about perspective. The enemy is not really a lion, he is pretending...my feeling all alone is misleading, others suffer too. If I resist the temptation to believe that I am______(fill in the blank) and instead, focus upon my faith - what the Bible says - the Truth, Jesus will 'restore me and make me strong, firm and steadfast.'

Amazing, simply amazing! Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil and he must flee. James 4:7 It really is all about perspective...I need to keep perspective and to do that I need to keep my eyes on the Lord, not on the 6.5 billion people who surround me. Eyes on the Lord...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Release me...

I want to write. I want to pour out my soul in a song. I want to fly...Something within me needs to express itself...to be released...I want to soar.

So, I come to my blog and express and ponder the words I write.

Release me. Something within calls out in desperation. There is something wonderful and beautiful within longing to be free. Who has the key? I have never considered someone else holding the key before. What is the key? Love. (I hesitated to write that because I was hoping it was something I better knew or understood.) This speaks volumes now. Love holds me prisioner. Who? Who? ....What? What is love?

I know different kinds of love: agape, philo, eros...I have expressed and received each of these at some point in my life. I think it has been superficial though. Certain family members I still love unconditionally...I have friends...eros is alluring, but not in my life right now...I haven't hit it yet, what is this love that holds me captive, that will not release me? Is it my God? Does He hold me back for some reason? To protect me? I long to soar...Father, please release me to soar...I see that it is my relationship with my God that I struggle against. Who do you want me to be? What do you want me to be? I am a Child of God...what does this really mean?

There is this man I have been watching from afar. He constantly challenges (anybody) me to reveal/live/be my true identity...How do I accomplish this? I think I am being real until I realize that I cannot let other see my failures and weaknesses. What will they think? or worse, it will reflect horribly on my God, on Christianity, and then, certainly, I fail my God.

Release me...I want to be the Woman of God I am called to be! Release me, please...

Monday, March 24, 2008

Owning your words...

I was in a class not too long ago, where I had to hand in a peer review sheet with critiques of my fellow students' presentation. As I handed it to the prof, I asked her if I needed to put my name on it? Her reply was, "Only if you want to own your words.".....Wow.... I was convicted right then and there and signed my name.

That was a powerful comment...."owning your words"...I visited another blog recently and left anonymous comments and I regret I did. This whole world of blogging and talking through typing, and to strangers at that, has been quite a learning curve for me! I tend to be a friendly soul...I am Canadian after all. Friendliness is ingrained in our genetic make-up. (If you have had a bad experience with a Canadian, I am truely sorry, for the most part, we do mean well.)

It was at this blog that I crossed the line between friendly and unacceptable. Nothing profane or intentionally suggestive, but it was something that if you didn't know me could have been interpreted as suggestive. My bad. I didn't even see it the second time I wrote it! It was only after the Blogger informed me that my words were inappropriate did it click! (Sometimes, I can be thick headed....) Which brings me back to "owning your words", if I had signed my name originally, I probably would have been much better off. Right now, I am still stinging from his comments (as correct for him to write under the circumstances, now that I can see a little better from his perspective) and I feel humiliated, like I was being devious or sneaky...and I hate sneakiness! I have also sabotaged what could have been a good friendship!

I now try to be careful with what I write, and I will not be anonymous anymore. I am what I am, I make mistakes, I run ahead of God, I can be silly and foolish, I can be funny and tender, I am curious, I care too easily, and I can be naive as often as I can be discerning....I am not the Great I AM, but by the Grace of God, I am who I am...I will own my words....

My name is MistiPearl.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Just a test...

So, this is a test...to see...I want to yell out to someone to help me, to save me, to comfort me, and the only one who would even consider answering would be Jesus. If I have Him, why would I desire anything else; a man to be held by, a friend to discuss deep, wonderful, or silly subjects with, someone who would inspire me, who I could inspire...there is more...Relationship...meaningful relationship.....

I will return to see how this will evolve...

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They Did Not Realize

Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. ~John 21:4