Failure

It is always frustrating when you want to be a better person, but you fail.
I tend to be very hard on myself when I don't live up to my own standards. I withdraw, pull away, and internalize my failures. If left there too long, I will spiral downwards into a state of self pity - which is never good.

Climbing out of that pit of darkness is difficult. Admitting that I am in a pit is sometimes very difficult.

I would like to think that I am strong. 'I can overcome all that is thrown at me!' 
{feet solidly planted, hands on hips, shoulders thrown back, chin up, standing on top of a mountain, wind blowing back my long hair, despite raging storm all around}

...Yeah.  ...Not so true...nice image though.

I think of Christ. I think of scripture:  ...when I am weak, then I am strong...my Grace is sufficient...

I really don't feel like praying when I am stewing in my pit of darkness. Of course, the enemy of my soul, I am sure, is loving every moment of my agony in this state.

I think of the enemy of my soul.

I picture creatures of darkness attacking, mocking, terrorizing me from all sides.

But the picture becomes broader, I also see soldiers, angels of God battling some of these dark creatures.

All of a sudden, I am in a movie. A battle, intense and fierce. I am lying, seemingly defeated, on the ground with this war going on all around me...And I am the one they are battling for...one side seeking to destroy me, the other side defending me!

Then, the realization hits me...By lying in the mud of this movie, I am actually helping the enemy! 

I need to get up! Where's my sword?! Get up! Get in the battle! 

I rise up. 
Declare my battle cry. 

JESUS!
.
.
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There is power in the name of Jesus. Power that I really don't understand. What I do understand is that there is power. I also understand that when I chose to believe Jesus is who He said He is, and asked forgiveness for my sins, when I asked Jesus to come into my heart and fill me with His Holy Spirit, I received this power. 

I think of scripture again...
 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Take every thought captive.

I am not perfect. I fail - often. I constantly need to remind myself that though I fail, God still loves me and does not write me off...and I shouldn't write myself off. Some days it is harder than others to remember who I am in Christ, but those days, my God, finds a way to draw me out, to remind me of who I am. He reminds me of how much He loves me and how His plans for me are plans to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future...


...Perhaps I should review my standards for myself.